How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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