whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
