my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
