I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
