I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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