Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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