Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
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Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
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I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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