Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
