Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
