someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
