I wish they made helmets for livers.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
