Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
