Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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