Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
