I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
