70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
