I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
