I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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