yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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