This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
