Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
