even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
