did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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