I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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