I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
