Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
