oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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