I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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