Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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