Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
