Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
