what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
