i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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