he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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