Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
