everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
