i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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