Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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