The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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