I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
