dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
