Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
