I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
