She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
