i just google imaged poop.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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