she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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