I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
