my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
