You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
