We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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