Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
