I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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