dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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