I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
pop tarts are not kleenex
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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