Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
