he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
