i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
